The Helen Police Department publishes a standard weekly police blotter, taped by 8:00 a.m. each Friday to the inside of the glass of the department's storefront window at 726 Main Street. The blotter covers the preceding seven-day period, Friday 8:00 a.m. through Thursday 8:00 a.m. It is compiled by Officer Dennis Vega from the department's incident-reports binder. It is initialed, in the lower right corner, by Officer Vega.

The full blotter for the period Friday, January 2, 2026, through Thursday, January 8, 2026, is reproduced, in lightly edited form for clarity, below.

Friday, January 2, 2026

06:47 — Call from Hofer's of Helen (1208 Bruckenstrasse). Complaint: bratwurst theft. Caller reports seven bratwursts missing from walk-in cooler. Responding officer: Vega. Investigation: no forced entry, no signs of theft. Complaint withdrawn by caller at 07:22 after caller confirmed the bratwursts had been moved to the secondary cooler by the pastry chef the previous evening. No incident report filed.

14:18 — Suspicious-person call. Edelweiss Strasse, 800 block. Caller reports "a man, approximately 40, in a red jacket, walking with a purpose." Responding: Vega. Investigation: man identified as Mr. Delbert Ashworth, the Helen contract post-office clerk, on his lunch break. Mr. Ashworth was, per his own account, walking with purpose because he was late. Call cleared at 14:23.

Saturday, January 3, 2026

11:47 — See Bavarian Brainrot's January 4 report on the Cleveland Food Lion aisle-seven incident (attempted citizen's arrest of Mr. Herschel Pike of Sautee by a customer who believed Mr. Pike was Nicolás Maduro). Helen PD was on the scene for administrative consultation; the incident was a White County Sheriff's matter, not a Helen PD matter. No Helen PD action.

Sunday, January 4, 2026

03:14 — Noise complaint, Upper Edelweiss Strasse, 1100 block. Caller reports "a banging, not constant, maybe every 40 seconds." Responding: Vega. Investigation: a detached shutter on the caller's own house, loose on its top hinge, bumping the exterior siding in the wind. Mr. Vega rehung the shutter using a piece of wire from the caller's garage. No incident report filed.

Monday, January 5, 2026

09:12 — Lost pet. Dachshund named "Gerhardt" (long-haired, 14 lb, neutered male). Reporting owner: Mr. Wendell Stoltz of 312 Edelweiss Strasse. Pet located at 09:47 at the base of Mr. Stoltz's front porch steps. Gerhardt had, per Mr. Stoltz's subsequent revision of his report, "been there all along." Report voided.

Tuesday, January 6, 2026

10:47 — Goose sighting. Bruckenstrasse, 200 block (the Welcome Center's adjacent park). Reporting party: Welcome Center Director Winslow Bach. Responding: Vega. Investigation: the male Canada goose ("the goose," per conventional department reference), absent from the 200 block since December 22, 2025, re-appeared in the park at 10:41 a.m. Mr. Bach wished to note the return for the record. Officer Vega approached the goose. The goose did not approach Officer Vega. Officer Vega and the goose exchanged nods at a distance of approximately 12 feet. No further action. Call cleared at 10:56.

Wednesday, January 7, 2026

13:22 — Pothole Politics ticket issued. Intersection of Main Street and Bruckenstrasse. Citation No. 2026-POT-00019 issued to a 3-inch- deep pothole, per the department's Pothole Politics adjacency initiative.

17:48 — Courtesy warning issued to a dog. Dog, a black Labrador named "Gus" per owner Mr. Louis Finch of 414 Bruckenstrasse, unleashed, in violation of Helen Municipal Code § 6-4-12. Owner present and cooperative. Verbal warning given to Gus (per Chief Pritchett's new Tuesday directive, the department's courtesy warnings for canine violations are directed at the dog rather than the owner, "to improve the dog's sense of civic responsibility"). Warning language: "Gus, we ask that you remain leashed in the downtown corridor." Gus wagged. No further action.

Thursday, January 8, 2026

See Bavarian Brainrot's January 8 report on the attempted ICE removal of the goose from the Welcome Center. Helen PD (Chief Pritchett, Officer Vega) were on the scene for procedural consultation. ICE Deportation Officer departed without the goose at 14:45. No arrests, no citations, no further action.

Compiled and initialed: D.V. (Officer Dennis Vega).