Tag

Tag: op-ed

12 articles.

opinion

You People Don’t Deserve My Salt

I have been salting your pretzels in this town since 1983. I have watched the salt I personally sourced, ground, and applied disappear into your unappreciative mouths for forty-three years. I have seen things.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Apr 8, 2026 · 4 min
opinion

Helen Is Nice, But It Would Be Better If It Was Closer To A Beach

We come up here every July and I will say this for the place — it is genuinely cooler. The trees are very nice. The little shops are charming. But it is, I am sorry, an eight-hour drive, and you cannot tube on the actual ocean.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Apr 7, 2026 · 4 min
opinion

It’s Called The Chattahoochee, Not The ‘Chatta-Who-Cares-About-Safety’

I am twenty-six years old. I have been a Cool River Tubing safety guide for four summers. I have watched eleven thousand of you go down this river, and ninety-eight percent of you, I am sorry to inform you, are not in shape for what you are about to attempt.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Apr 6, 2026 · 5 min
opinion

The War On Christmas Is Real, And It Starts With People Asking For Discounts On Ornaments In August

I have worked at the Helen Christmas Shoppe since the year it opened. I have hand-priced approximately four hundred and twenty thousand ornaments. The discount you are asking me for, in August, is not a discount. It is an attack.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Apr 5, 2026 · 5 min
opinion

Yes, I Am Wearing Lederhosen. Yes, It Is 95 Degrees. These Are Not Connected Facts.

I have lived on Edelweiss Strasse for nineteen years. I wear traditional Trachten lederhosen year-round. I did not invite commentary on this, and yet commentary continues to arrive.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Mar 28, 2026 · 6 min
Premium · opinion

An Open Letter From Cornelius: The Man Is Not The Cabbage

Following my February press conference, I have been the subject of considerable media attention. I want to address the record directly.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Mar 25, 2026 · 7 min
opinion

An Editor's Note On Our First Six Months

The paper is six months old. Some things have gone well. Some things required adjustment. A few things I would do differently.

By Edmund Crowe · Mar 22, 2026 · 7 min
Premium · opinion

The Case For A Second Helen Glockenspiel

The existing glockenspiel at the north end of Bruckenstrasse serves its function admirably. It is not enough. This paper formally endorses the construction of a second instrument at the south end.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Mar 15, 2026 · 7 min
opinion

I Am The Animatronic Accordion Player At The Festhalle. I Have Thoughts.

I served for 28 years. I was decommissioned in 2019. I am in the basement. I have had four years to think about the polka bands.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Mar 8, 2026 · 6 min
opinion

I Am A Trout In Smith Creek And I Have Opinions On The Proposed Hatchery Expansion

The Georgia DNR has proposed expanding the Unicoi hatchery by 40%. I read the environmental assessment. I have concerns.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Mar 1, 2026 · 6 min
opinion

An Open Letter From Anna Ruby Nichols, Whose Name Is On The Waterfall: Please Stop Treating My Waterfall Like A Theme Park

I have been dead for over a hundred years. My name is on a waterfall. I have opinions about how it is being managed.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Feb 22, 2026 · 6 min
opinion

I Am A Bear. This Is What I Want You To Know.

I have been cited in the Helen Police Department blotter three weeks in a row. I want to address this directly.

By Bavarian Brainrot Staff · Feb 15, 2026 · 6 min